It's been a long two weeks and I don't really have much to say. It wasn't my best two weeks that's for sure. I spent a lot of the last two weeks in front of a lot of new people. And seemed to have lost my confidence somewhere along the way. Just having to deal with new people everyday seems to have taken a toll on me. I can't help but wonder as I'm in front of them, just what exactly do the see. Rick in costume, or Dana as I'd like to be?
Don't get me wrong everyone is very nice and treats me exactly as I would want to be treated. I just don't have the confidence I need to not worry about it. With every new person I have to deal with I wonder, what do they know? Are they just humoring me? Do they go back to their office giggling?
I still get the auditioning feeling with every new encounter. I seem to start each day with my confidence in tack and then as the day goes on I feel it slip away. Maybe it's just that I'm tired, but by the end of the day I just want to head to the hotel and cry myself to sleep.
Dinners alone with my team seems to help and I feel Dana come out and flourish. Dinners with the local staff or other corporate staff just seem to crush me. I lose whatever was left at the end of the day and I can feel myself hiding within my fear and uncertainty. These long days leave me feeling ugly and mannish. Without confidence I'm sure every stranger that passes me sees Rick and laughs. Every coworker can't wait to get back to their group and ask who the hell was that.
It's all my own doing. There is not a single occurrence of someone treating me badly. Not a single time did I hear a giggle or any gossip of any type. There is nothing in any one's demeanour that signifies any of that. Yet I'm certain I see it. I'm certain they're just barely able to withhold their laughter at me. I'm certain I'm failing.
This last trip away really showed me the support that M, K and all my FF friends give me while I'm home. Just spending a few days with those I don't question seems to recharge me and lifts my spirits. It seems as if M's personal mission in life right now is to drive my self confidence, and make me see myself as I am. As hard as all of this is for her, she's still my biggest fan and my steady foundation I've called on more then a few times in the last 6 months.
Even in the best of times this is a hard path to follow, but when you're tired and E has her claws in you it can seem dark, scary and impassable. M's leading the way right now and I need her reassurance that we are still going the right way.