Thursday, March 31, 2011

E by my side

E's a funny thing, it gives you what you've dreamed of having your entire life.  And yet, it takes things from you as well.  M and I where talking the other day ....

One thing I've learned on the trip as short as it's been so far is that in order for M and I to survive we need to talk to each other all of the time.  Things change so fast and with such force that it's a constant danger for the two of us to get lost in this darkness and split apart from each other.   It's sheer luck that one of the things E gives you is a new gift for gab.  These days you can't shut me up, I'll talk more in one day now then I did in a month before the journey started.

... she said that she misses the old me.  That's she's already started the grieving process for him.  It's a scary thought to think your wife and partner for life misses you.  Where did I go?  I'm still here, right where I was.  But yet I'm not.  I can feel the changes hitting me already.

E has taken my self confidence and my cocky swagger away from me.  I question myself a thousand times a day now, am I doing the right thing.  Am I making M happy, is K OK with all this, are the boys going to be OK?  But little ones too, Is this what M wants for dinner?

But E's given me things I cherish everyday, openness for one.  It's so much easier to let everyone know my hopes, dreams and fears now.  Even my failures, before the E my failures were my mine and only mine.  You learn from failures no doubt, but no need to broadcast them to everyone.  Now, there's no shame there it's just another day.

E's given me laughter.  Several times since the journey started I've laughed so hard my side actually hurt.  Hurt like you were a little kid again.  It's been years since I've laughed that hard, and yet E brings that laughter right out.  The laughs start coming and they can't stop. 

Mostly E has given me happiness, I don't wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead, now things just happen.  I wake up and get dressed, my biggest worry getting dressed now is if what I want to wear is clean.  And that's a good thing.

I still have no idea where this is all going to go but I find myself smiling in the dark.