Saturday, March 5, 2011

A Path With No Maps

I'm lucky I suppose, I've lived with this my whole life.  Struggled with the feelings, enjoying the gifts and cursing the demons of this for the last 40 years.  Last summer with my boys on their way, my work successful, my life in the suburbs as great as anyone could every dream of, I decided to risk it all and become the one person I've struggled to be my entire life, a woman.

As I worked through the process of all this, the therapy, the endless doctors, the blood tests, the deep emotional talks with M, I really thought the journey had started.  I've  come to realize now that we were just packing our bags for it, it was still light out, we knew the path, every milestone had directions to the next step along the way.  You get the letter from the therapist, you see the endocrinologist, you see the endless doctors to make sure your body is up to the trip, more blood work then you think you have, each step some one tells you what you need to do next to keep going.

Then boom, you've been on E for a few months, and the lights go out, the path gets dark.  There are no more milestones, no one pointing the way.  You know where you hope to be but no idea how to get there or even if you can get there.  Just hoping you will eventually find that warm dry spot in the light that you've dreamed about your entire life.

This is our journey, M and I.  It's a journey for two in the dark to an unknown place.