Thursday, May 3, 2012

Since this is a journal of my path through this transition, I thought I'd give a quick update of my journey so far.

Where I'm at now :

First and foremost I'm no longer worried about where this will all lead to.  I have a pretty good idea where the path goes from here and I'm excited to get there now. 

M and I are happy, very happy.  She's retired now and spends her time chasing me throughout the country as I go about my travels. 

Work is good, busier then ever.  Everyone I work with has accepted me and supports me where ever I go.  It was just a year ago I'd worry about how every new city would react to me.  But now I hardly even broach the subject.  My transition is certainly not a secret and I still get the occasional question but it's with respect and with an open mind. 

Everyone, but one, in my life has been told and just about everyone has been OK with it all.  The only person I have not told is my little brother.  I've pushed this off because he lives across the country from me and has some very strict religious views that I'm worried would prevent him from understanding.

I pass reasonably well. I'm sure people can figure it out if they try.  But, for the most part no one is looking so no one sees anything out of place.  I'm ma'am every where I go and I haven't heard a 'Sir' or a 'Rick' in forever now.  Friends and coworkers still slip up and miss a pronoun or two every once in awhile but it's not done maliciously so we just let it go.  They know it slip, and I know it's just a slip, so why make a big deal about it.  

My transition itself is still in progress, E has done wonders to my mind and my body.  But as work has taken me all over the country over the last six months, my laser treatments have not kept up.  I need to get that back on track.  I still need to get my trachea shave scheduled, and I need to find the time to start working on the big one.  Yup, that big one.

Where I was :

I still look back on my transition and I'm astonished on how little I've lost.  So many others in our community have lost so much, yet I have lost so little.  A friend, maybe two, has drifted away, but the ones that stayed are closer then before.  Our family is intact and stronger then ever.

Before the E, every morning was hard.  How do I get out of bed and face the day?   I haven't struggled with that since I started taking E.  My mood swings are back to normal, and M seems very happy about this.  The everyday gloom of my life before E is completely gone.  I'm starting to have a hard time remembering that load and the burden the struggles added to my life.

I was so worried about where this transition would take me and who and what I would become, and now those worries seem so distant and without cause.

Where I'm going :

I'm moving forward slowly but with direction.  The drive that pushed me my entire life to do more, and live more as Dana has suddenly come to a halt.

Before E, I would continually push the envelope of what Dana could do.  I'd push M to her breaking point, push the limits of society and those around me to and past acceptable.  Always taking what I was given and then asking for more.

But now that drive has stopped.  For the first time in my life as I look around and see where I'm at, see how the world sees me, feel how I'm treated, and see how I treat myself, I am happy.

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