I've talked a little in some past posts about my job. One of the more important parts of my job is just leading. Leading is a made up of two critical parts. First, you need the knowledge and experience to make more right decisions then wrong. Enough knowledge about the team's functions to gain everyone's natural respect. Second you need a sense of confidence to make decisions and stick to them. To focus the group and maintain the teams steady and direct forward progress to the goal at hand.
Nothing in my transition has changed my knowledge or experience set in any way. I still know just as much as last year. I have one more year of experience then I had last year. There is no doubt in anyone's mind that I have the knowledge and experience to do what needs to be done.
But the confidence of last year has slipped away. I'm no longer rock sure of my decisions. I worry about the consequences of each movement, I allow myself to be talked into and out of ideas.
I lead two teams right now, the first are my employees. They rely on me for their paychecks. They rely on me for direction and instructions. In this team my leadership skills have not been affected. But this team is a group of women who have been with me for a long time. There is no questioning of my decisions, there's no hidden agenda. Decisions here are mine and mine alone.
I lead a second team too, this team is a group of men whose main job is to deploy the software the first team has developed. This team is more difficult to lead. First they are not my employees, then for the most part they have only been with me a few months. There are hidden agendas here, most of the men in this group are striving for job titles and responsibility. My decisions and input in this group are questioned and ignored. It's in this arena that I've struggled this year.
I took most of the month of October off. This time off allowed me to review my work and accomplishments of the previous year. And I was force to admit to myself that my leadership skills in the second team had evaporated. I had some how relinquished my leadership role in this team to others who were looking to take it. This happened in several areas. Big things like not forcing my ideas and thoughts to happen, and questioning my own ability to make the right decision. Not keeping focus in the team to accomplishing the task at hand. But little things too, letting others drive me, handling my bags for me, or even picking out a wine for dinner. Even talking about my transition hurt my abilities to lead this group.
The common thread here is 'me'. I allowed this to happen. Sure the men in the group took advantage of all of the E in my system. Sure they stole my ideas, or just ignored them. Sometimes even convincing others in the group that their ideas where better and that I wasn't capable of making the right decisions to insure success. But I ALLOWED all of this to happen.
This lack of leadership on my part resulted in a failure of our task. My lack of leadership had cost this project any chance of success. I allowed the entire team to deviate from the path I knew lead to success. I allowed others with less experience and less knowledge to make decisions and determine direction.
Since my vacation I've spent the time trying to regain control of this second group, trying to lead them out of the hole I allowed them to dig for themselves. In that time I have noticed a difference in how the men of the team react to a woman's leadership role. I've seen managers out and out present my ideas and proposals as their own. I've seen them even take these ideas as their own in meetings where I just proposed them, as if no one there heard me say it in the first place. I've seen the workers go to less knowledgeable people to find answers to questions only me or my staff would know.
Curiously even when I have control of the situation or if we a debating a point, the men of the group consistently and constantly fall back into male pronouns and names. It's as if they refuse to debate or be lead by a woman. It's a strange pattern that has run through out the last few weeks. I'm not sure any of them have ever worked for or reported to a female authority, and they simply are not used to being lead or debating points with female pronouns. It is rare that I'll correct pronoun usage around me. I figure everyone there is treating me personally with the utmost respect and everyone is trying hard to accept Dana. But in this case as the wrong pronouns are used in debates and leadership roles I may have to start correcting them. In the heat of a debate, or the middle of status meetings, it's 'maam' not 'sir', it's 'she' not 'he'. Female military officers don't put up with it and I'm not going to either.
The surprising thing here is not that the men of the group tried to take leadership roles and advance their ideas. After all that's what people in our positions do. We are all paid to have ideas, push for solutions and we all have our egos to deal with.
The surprising thing is that I allowed this to happen through my inaction. The difference between leading as a man and leading as a woman is for me, within. Yes, men want to lead and succeed. Yes they use strategies and tactics I find offensive. But they use these same tactics against other men. They used these same tactics against Rick in the past too. As a man I was given the gift of confidence, confidence I used to achieve success in this life. But now as a woman I find it's all gone. I need to keep telling myself over and over again I'm right, my ideas are strong and correct. Over and over again each day I have to resist the urge to make sure no one is upset about my strength. Rick would just say get this done without a care if someones feelings were hurt, now I find myself explaining why I want it done so that I don't hurt any ones feelings. As Rick I neither needed or wanted praise for my decisions. As Dana I crave a review of my thoughts and decisions. I find the praise is needed to keep me on this path. BUT, I must learn to live without it. My leadership role requires me to be able to critique myself , either good or bad, without any outside review.
I've written this post over the course of the last few days. Sometimes late at night in the quiet of my hotel room, sometimes alone at breakfast an hour before everyone else arrives. I wrote this as a private post more to vent and clarify my thoughts then to publish on this blog.. But I've decided to publish an edited version of it. For two reasons, the first is selfish. This is my journal of my transition. And that includes the transition from a man who leads, to a woman who leads. This is an important step in my transition. It needs to be a part of my journal. This post was written in the quiet of the night with my thoughts clear and still. In the near future I will need to reread this to understand the feelings I'll have during the turbulence of the day.
But more importantly, I posted this for others that will go down this same path behind me. As I read the blogs and search the Internet, there is a lot of talk on how unfair it is to be a woman. How men treat women in leadership roles. But there is little self analysis on our part of the leadership dynamic. No one said life is fair, men are filled with T and that T gives them strength, egos and confidence, even if it is not well deserved or even earned. Women are filled with E and we are gifted with empathy. But confidence and strength are a large part of leadership roles, and like it or not empathy is a much smaller part of leading a team.
Before I even started this last trip H told me I'd have to work 10 times harder, that I have to be 10 times better then the men in order regain control.
This is only partially true. Yes I have to be better then before because the men in our group will not just give me respect, I'll have to earn it. Rick could walk into a room and be the one in minutes. But Dana has to prove herself and prove that her knowledge and experience is greater then anyone else's in the room. Yes, I have to be the first up and the last one to leave. Yes, I have to know the answer to every question. But also I have to increase my self confidence ten fold. I have to continuous tell myself 'confidence'. I have to work ten times harder on the leadership parts that come after the decision is made. To stick with my direction, enforce the decisions on others who drift, and not ask for or need approval for decisions that are mine to make. I have to work ten times harder on HOW I lead, not on leading ten times harder.
It is a subtle distinction but a critically important one.
Some incomplete thoughts from my private post :
... H is my de facto boss. He is the one I report to. He is the one I'm tasked by. I am a colonel in his army. He points to a place on the road map and says take me there. That's it. He doesn't tell me how or manage me or provide daily feedback. The only review I get from him is pass/fail at the end of each project. We've been together for a long time and I've been able to delivery many more passes then fails. I've earned his respect and he trusts me. Nothing in this transition has changed in that regard. He treats me exactly the same now as a year ago. (H if you are reading this Thank You.) ...
... Using words I detest, I, Me, Mine even Thank You Everyone. We are a team, we work as a group, each more then capable at what we do. Each needing little more then a direction and support. In team contexts leaders use words like Us, We, Ours, and laugh at dinner, leaders allow others to express their opinions with force. As a leader the credit is for everyone to share, and the failures are mine and mine alone. ...
... I will no longer tolerate the wrong pronoun in leadership roles or debates. This is a crutch they use to relieve themselves of being lead or corrected by a female...
... J and I head off to the woman's room ... In the privacy of the woman's restroom we compare notes, and it doesn't take long before we are both venting not only about the meeting but about the entire week. A week of conflict and hidden agendas. A week of being dismissed. A week of struggle over control of the group. ...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Back when I first started down this path I mostly worried about the physical changes E would bring to me and the effects it would have on my relationships with the people in my life. I read all the blogs, I read the research and the papers from the doctors and I had a good idea of what would happen.
The physical changes, I had a general idea of what would happen to my appearances. These changes were the exciting part. These were the changes I looked forward to, the ones that couldn't happen fast enough. My only worry about these changes was getting stuck in the middle. Stuck somewhere between woman and man. Even today, these changes are still happening and even now not fast enough. In this regard the Internet was right, the changes they said would happen did, and the ones they said would not haven't.
The body changes too, I'm not talking about the outside changes, I'm referring more to how my body actually works. I was prepared for these changes too. I knew the sex drive would decrease. This was originally one of my largest concerns. Indeed it has decreased, dramatically I might add, but It's not gone and I actually don't miss it. But there were small changes that I was unprepared for too. My strength has dropped dramatically. It still surprises me how much more a gallon of milk weighs now then it did a year ago. My tastes have changed too, foods I used to love are no longer that great. Foods I'd tolerate before are now my favorite. As M would laugh at, I actually look forward to a Greek salad now. The Internet was mostly right about these changes. Most everything that the Internet said would change did, but it seems my body threw in a couple extra that I didn't see coming.
But it turns out the mental changes ended up being the most important. And the Internet did a poor job of preparing me for these. It been said that E makes you think as a woman. And, man does it. I was prepared for a little, the crying and the moodiness, but these are just side effects of the brain working as a woman's. I see the world differently now. I have different cares and worries. I've lost the aggression and the ego. But I've lost my confidence, too. But all of that has been replaced with compassion and an empathy I didn't have before.
In the end it's the mental changes that make you a woman. Sure the physical changes are important, they allow the outside world to see you as a woman. But, it's the internal changes to your brain that actually make you a woman. I suppose when I started on this path if you had told me my body would change 45 degrees, but your mental state would change 180, I would have been disappointed. At the time I believed it would be the physical changes that mattered. But I would have been wrong. It's the mental changes that matter, it's how my mind wonders down the path of life and how it processes the world that make me a woman.
As a side note, M's blog was on the front page of t-central last week. She has a big heart and an unique voice for our community that she's decided to share with us all. I encourage everyone to read her blog and experience her world as only M can describe it.
When you read her writings you'll understand why she's the love of my life and my best friend.
The physical changes, I had a general idea of what would happen to my appearances. These changes were the exciting part. These were the changes I looked forward to, the ones that couldn't happen fast enough. My only worry about these changes was getting stuck in the middle. Stuck somewhere between woman and man. Even today, these changes are still happening and even now not fast enough. In this regard the Internet was right, the changes they said would happen did, and the ones they said would not haven't.
The body changes too, I'm not talking about the outside changes, I'm referring more to how my body actually works. I was prepared for these changes too. I knew the sex drive would decrease. This was originally one of my largest concerns. Indeed it has decreased, dramatically I might add, but It's not gone and I actually don't miss it. But there were small changes that I was unprepared for too. My strength has dropped dramatically. It still surprises me how much more a gallon of milk weighs now then it did a year ago. My tastes have changed too, foods I used to love are no longer that great. Foods I'd tolerate before are now my favorite. As M would laugh at, I actually look forward to a Greek salad now. The Internet was mostly right about these changes. Most everything that the Internet said would change did, but it seems my body threw in a couple extra that I didn't see coming.
But it turns out the mental changes ended up being the most important. And the Internet did a poor job of preparing me for these. It been said that E makes you think as a woman. And, man does it. I was prepared for a little, the crying and the moodiness, but these are just side effects of the brain working as a woman's. I see the world differently now. I have different cares and worries. I've lost the aggression and the ego. But I've lost my confidence, too. But all of that has been replaced with compassion and an empathy I didn't have before.
In the end it's the mental changes that make you a woman. Sure the physical changes are important, they allow the outside world to see you as a woman. But, it's the internal changes to your brain that actually make you a woman. I suppose when I started on this path if you had told me my body would change 45 degrees, but your mental state would change 180, I would have been disappointed. At the time I believed it would be the physical changes that mattered. But I would have been wrong. It's the mental changes that matter, it's how my mind wonders down the path of life and how it processes the world that make me a woman.
As a side note, M's blog was on the front page of t-central last week. She has a big heart and an unique voice for our community that she's decided to share with us all. I encourage everyone to read her blog and experience her world as only M can describe it.
When you read her writings you'll understand why she's the love of my life and my best friend.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Life is good, and the days are too short
It’s Friday morning and I’m having coffee with my FF friends at Starbucks for the first time in a few weeks. I’ve been traveling a lot lately, both work wise and to enjoy a nice vacation. So, this is the first gossip hour lunch I’ve had in a while. As always we talk about the usual stuff, kids, TV, clothes, just everyday things. Towards the end of the hour one of my friends asked how M and I are doing. Normally this is just a throw away line and you’d just answer fine and move on, but I know she means ‘how is M doing with my transition’. I tell them M is doing great and that the vacation was just what we needed. That it was the first time in the transition that we were really taken by everyone as just two women who happen to be a couple. That it was nice to have a glimpse of our future and that no one so much as looked at me twice. I told her that no one on our cruise ever thought I used to be a man. So she tells me that I seem to be blending in to everyday life, that no one in the store has looked at me funny and that she doesn’t think anyone even suspects.
Needless to say I was thrilled to hear that. A little later on I was thinking about that and then it occurred to me, I didn’t notice. I was sitting there at Starbucks surrounded by housewives laughing and giggling for over an hour and I never once looked around the store to see if anyone read me. And it’s not the first time. More and more I don’t seem to care.
I’m not sure ‘care’ is the right word. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s more that it’s become a needless chore. It’s only been a few months now but people just don’t see it. It's like why bother. I suppose I mean my brain has grown tired of scanning rooms and faces for that telltale giggle or double take. If no one is noticing, why spend all the effort to look for it?
And if I back up and look at the bigger picture, I can see it happening with everyday life too. More and more I’ll do some simple thing, some mundane thing thousands of women do every day, and afterwards I’ll look back and think oh my God, I’m a woman.
For years now, getting through the day meant analyzing every move, and every thought, to filter it through a man’s filter. To make sure I lived as a man would, acted as a man would, and talked as a man would. I don’t think I ever realized how much effort it took from me, how much effort it drained away.
But now, just a few months into full time that effort is gone. More and more I just walk through my day. I spend less and less time everyday making sure I’m doing the right thing, saying the right thing, walking the right way. My filter is gone now, and I just do what I need to do.
I've said before how much happier I am now, how I'm happier now then I ever knew I could be. Life is also just easier now. I'm not talking about work, or M, or the kids, or any of the things you work at throughout the day. Sure I have bad days at work. I still have thousands of things that need to be done yesterday. But I'm not working as hard just to get through the day. 'Being' is easier now.
H was asking about me a few days ago. He just wanted to know how I'm doing and if I was still OK. A curious thought popped in my head. I'm actually looking forward to the rest of my life. I go to sleep excited about tomorrow and I just want it to hurry up and get here so I can do another day as Dana.
Life is good. I'm happy. I have my bad days, and there is still a long path ahead of me, but the days are too short and I'm excited about doing it all over again tomorrow.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Life As A Couple
M and I finally got to go on a vacation last week. It’s been about two years since our last vacation alone. It’s funny how you realize how badly you needed a vacation only after you get back from one. Obviously, a lot has happened since our last vacation and this one was badly needed. We decided to go on a nice long cruise of the Caribbean and do a lot of nothing. And that’s exactly what we did, nothing.
The thing is I wasn’t sure how we’d handle this. It was our first vacation as M and Dana, and I was wondering how we would handle the little things. How would we get our pictures taken, as two friends on a cruise together or as a couple? Would we introduce each other as our friend, or as our wife? Even things like would we walk hand and hand and touch each other as a couple would? Could I live a week and a half with the same people on a confined ship and pass without worries.
As usual all my worrying and planning went for not. Walking on the ship for the our first picture together, M grabs me in a big embrace and our first picture is one of two people obviously in love with each other! Our first dinner with 6 strangers and within 5 minutes one of the wives asks if we’re sisters. M tells them without missing a beat that we are a couple. I had planned all different responses to the question and she just blurts out that we’re a couple.
Even, ‘could I pass for a week and half?’ was answered the first morning. M ordered room service for our first breakfast on the ship to be delivered at 8:30 thinking that we’d be getting up at our normal 7:00. But we seriously slept in and woke to the sound of the steward knocking on the door with a ‘Room Service’. As M scrambles out of bed she just opens the door with me lying in bed wearing nothing but a T shirt and my hair in a mess. If there’s every a time where it’s more Rick then Dana it’s the first few minutes in bed. But the steward just walks in the room, looks at me and says ‘Good Morning Madam’. That’s it, if I can be Dana at 8:30 in the morning lying in bed with just a grungy old t shirt from a 10K race 7 years ago, I’m Dana.
Just goes to show you all the planning and worrying is just wasted time and energy. Within 12 hours of getting on the ship M’s just blown through all of my concerns and acting like the world is full of transgendered couples.
But even with all of my planning and pondering different scenarios for us on this cruise, one of the surprises would be how the world sees us together. There’s no doubt we were taken for ‘that cute lesbian couple’. Toward the end of the cruise we would be getting ‘hi girls’ and ‘it’s the girls’ from our table mates. The crew treated us as a couple everywhere we went.
I talk a lot about this path we are on, how we sometimes feel lost on it. How neither one of us know where it’s going to lead. Sometimes not knowing how we are just going to get to tomorrow. But this cruise answered one of our fundamental questions of ‘Who will we be?’ We’re going to be that ‘cute lesbian couple, down the street’. That’s how the world is going to see us. And other then a few tight*ss people who can’t accept the world as it changed out from under them, being a lesbian couple is just no big thing anymore. I think some where even excited to get home and say the hung out with cute little middle aged lesbian couple.
It’s kind of a relief to know that’s where we are heading. That it’s OK and that no one blinks an eye at us. That people are genuinely happy to sit with us at dinner. And excited to see us and be seen with us. It’s a relief to find our place in the world and to know we’ll be accepted without hiding our love for each other.
One more story then I’m off to Key West for a last few days in the sun. Over the last year or so neither M nor I have been wearing our wedding rings. There’s no deep hidden message there, it’s just one of those things. I guess it just didn’t feel right for either of us. We’ve both had friends notice and worry if it signaled troubles with our marriage. So on one of our stops in the Caribbean as we were walking down the tourist trap streets of St Thomas the rain starts coming down in buckets and soaks everything outside in seconds. We duck into a small jewelry store just to get out of the tropical downpour . To kill time and stay dry we start browsing the jewelry and checking out at the store’s wares. Then as the rain starts letting up, M tries on a small ruby ring. It looks beautiful on her ring finger. In a moment of simple love she asks the jeweler if he has two because we both need a wedding ring. The rain stops and the sun comes out as we leave the store holding hands with a beautiful ruby ring on our wedding ring fingers, tears in our eyes, and smiles from one ear to the other like a teenage girl who just said ‘YES’.
The thing is I wasn’t sure how we’d handle this. It was our first vacation as M and Dana, and I was wondering how we would handle the little things. How would we get our pictures taken, as two friends on a cruise together or as a couple? Would we introduce each other as our friend, or as our wife? Even things like would we walk hand and hand and touch each other as a couple would? Could I live a week and a half with the same people on a confined ship and pass without worries.
As usual all my worrying and planning went for not. Walking on the ship for the our first picture together, M grabs me in a big embrace and our first picture is one of two people obviously in love with each other! Our first dinner with 6 strangers and within 5 minutes one of the wives asks if we’re sisters. M tells them without missing a beat that we are a couple. I had planned all different responses to the question and she just blurts out that we’re a couple.
Even, ‘could I pass for a week and half?’ was answered the first morning. M ordered room service for our first breakfast on the ship to be delivered at 8:30 thinking that we’d be getting up at our normal 7:00. But we seriously slept in and woke to the sound of the steward knocking on the door with a ‘Room Service’. As M scrambles out of bed she just opens the door with me lying in bed wearing nothing but a T shirt and my hair in a mess. If there’s every a time where it’s more Rick then Dana it’s the first few minutes in bed. But the steward just walks in the room, looks at me and says ‘Good Morning Madam’. That’s it, if I can be Dana at 8:30 in the morning lying in bed with just a grungy old t shirt from a 10K race 7 years ago, I’m Dana.
Just goes to show you all the planning and worrying is just wasted time and energy. Within 12 hours of getting on the ship M’s just blown through all of my concerns and acting like the world is full of transgendered couples.
But even with all of my planning and pondering different scenarios for us on this cruise, one of the surprises would be how the world sees us together. There’s no doubt we were taken for ‘that cute lesbian couple’. Toward the end of the cruise we would be getting ‘hi girls’ and ‘it’s the girls’ from our table mates. The crew treated us as a couple everywhere we went.
I talk a lot about this path we are on, how we sometimes feel lost on it. How neither one of us know where it’s going to lead. Sometimes not knowing how we are just going to get to tomorrow. But this cruise answered one of our fundamental questions of ‘Who will we be?’ We’re going to be that ‘cute lesbian couple, down the street’. That’s how the world is going to see us. And other then a few tight*ss people who can’t accept the world as it changed out from under them, being a lesbian couple is just no big thing anymore. I think some where even excited to get home and say the hung out with cute little middle aged lesbian couple.
It’s kind of a relief to know that’s where we are heading. That it’s OK and that no one blinks an eye at us. That people are genuinely happy to sit with us at dinner. And excited to see us and be seen with us. It’s a relief to find our place in the world and to know we’ll be accepted without hiding our love for each other.
One more story then I’m off to Key West for a last few days in the sun. Over the last year or so neither M nor I have been wearing our wedding rings. There’s no deep hidden message there, it’s just one of those things. I guess it just didn’t feel right for either of us. We’ve both had friends notice and worry if it signaled troubles with our marriage. So on one of our stops in the Caribbean as we were walking down the tourist trap streets of St Thomas the rain starts coming down in buckets and soaks everything outside in seconds. We duck into a small jewelry store just to get out of the tropical downpour . To kill time and stay dry we start browsing the jewelry and checking out at the store’s wares. Then as the rain starts letting up, M tries on a small ruby ring. It looks beautiful on her ring finger. In a moment of simple love she asks the jeweler if he has two because we both need a wedding ring. The rain stops and the sun comes out as we leave the store holding hands with a beautiful ruby ring on our wedding ring fingers, tears in our eyes, and smiles from one ear to the other like a teenage girl who just said ‘YES’.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Why this is so hard
I'm tired. It's late at night and I've been gone from home awhile now. Work is wearing on me and E has her grips on me right now. I struggle to keep at this. I'm tired of always thinking of this. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to worry about who knows what. I don't want to 'Write a book'. I just want to be normal.
I need M's warmth by me. I need the normalcy that K gives me. I need time to just be a woman. Time to learn her ways. Time to stop thinking so much. We finished work late tonight. I've been struggling with E all day and she's winning. I just manage to get to my hotel room before the crying starts. I sit in the dark crying just wanting all of this to become easy.
I can't even tell you why this is so hard. But it is.
I need M's warmth by me. I need the normalcy that K gives me. I need time to just be a woman. Time to learn her ways. Time to stop thinking so much. We finished work late tonight. I've been struggling with E all day and she's winning. I just manage to get to my hotel room before the crying starts. I sit in the dark crying just wanting all of this to become easy.
I can't even tell you why this is so hard. But it is.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
So now what?
So let's see, I've been on this path now for a little less then a year and as I look back on it I can see the tremendous changes that have occurred in that time. I'm living my life as Dana now. My life is so much easier now. I no longer fumble in the morning deciding who I'm going to be. I no longer worry about slipping up and exposing my secret. I'm happy.
In the beginning of this journey I wrote about not knowing where the path would lead or the steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be. Turns out I just didn't look at the sign posts right in from of me. The instructions for the path where simple I just didn't read them. Take 2 pills twice a day, change your patch twice a week and wait. It turns out E does all the hard work all I needed to do was wait and take life as it came.
So now what?
What do I do now? When I first started down this path my biggest worry was being stuck halfway. Stuck somewhere between Rick and Dana. Not a male and not yet female. But that worry was entirely physical. I was worried about my physical self. About how the rest of the world would see me. But that's not the case. I'm halfway between Rick and Dana in my head. In my head, how I perceive myself, I'm certainly not a man anymore but I can't really say I'm a woman either.
If someone were to ask me right now am I a man or a woman my totally honest answer would have to be that I'm transgendered. I still see things as a transgendered person does. Does a woman really walk through the supermarket and wonder if the person looking at her thinks she is a man? No, I think the thought never even enters the mind of a woman. Does a woman worry about using the restroom in a crowded airport because she might be confronted about using the wrong bathroom. No, never. Does she worry about her voice, about using the right mannerisms, about who opens the door, or sits down first, or any of the thousand of subtle differences between being a woman and a man. No, she doesn't. But I do. I worry about all of these things. Why, because I'm not yet a woman. I'm still learning. I'm still coming to terms with seeing the world as a woman.
I find myself filtering the experiences I have during the day though the lens of being transgendered. Every new experience is something to be examined and analyzed. Does a woman really get home and tell her spouse, 'guess what I used the woman's room at work today'? Do her and her spouse have deep 3 hour talks over who orders dinner first at restaurants? Or, how to handle friends who don't know or don't agree with who we are as a couple. No, straight spouses don't do that, but M and I do. We have to or we'll quickly be pulled apart by external forces. I am not a woman with a wife. I'm still a transgendered woman with a wife.
So now what?
I wait. I wait for time to do her work and change how I see myself. It's not a matter of confidence. It's deeper then that. It's a matter of actually changing my view of my myself. To actually see myself and the world outside of me in much the same way women do.
Will time and E finish the job? Will they completely change my mental image to that of a woman's? I doubt it. As I said before I won't ever be a genetic woman. I don't have the past of one, I don't have the shared experiences most woman my age would have. I've never been a mom, I've never been some one's daughter or wife. No, the real question is how far will E and time take me. Far enough so these thoughts don't even matter anymore?
So now what?
So now I just wait, I wait for the thoughts to become less important. I wait for all the new experiences to pile up. I wait for Rick's old experiences to become less powerful then Dana's new ones.
So now what?
Now I wait for E keep doing her job. To change me mentally. M and I keep working on our new dynamic until it becomes us. Until it becomes our new normal. I use time to learn the ins and outs of running a business as a woman. I wait for K and all my FF friends to not see Rick anymore. To see their friend as Dana, and remember Rick as he was.
I wait for the time when I don't frame my experiences through the lens of being transgendered but through the lens of being a woman.
In the beginning of this journey I wrote about not knowing where the path would lead or the steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be. Turns out I just didn't look at the sign posts right in from of me. The instructions for the path where simple I just didn't read them. Take 2 pills twice a day, change your patch twice a week and wait. It turns out E does all the hard work all I needed to do was wait and take life as it came.
So now what?
What do I do now? When I first started down this path my biggest worry was being stuck halfway. Stuck somewhere between Rick and Dana. Not a male and not yet female. But that worry was entirely physical. I was worried about my physical self. About how the rest of the world would see me. But that's not the case. I'm halfway between Rick and Dana in my head. In my head, how I perceive myself, I'm certainly not a man anymore but I can't really say I'm a woman either.
If someone were to ask me right now am I a man or a woman my totally honest answer would have to be that I'm transgendered. I still see things as a transgendered person does. Does a woman really walk through the supermarket and wonder if the person looking at her thinks she is a man? No, I think the thought never even enters the mind of a woman. Does a woman worry about using the restroom in a crowded airport because she might be confronted about using the wrong bathroom. No, never. Does she worry about her voice, about using the right mannerisms, about who opens the door, or sits down first, or any of the thousand of subtle differences between being a woman and a man. No, she doesn't. But I do. I worry about all of these things. Why, because I'm not yet a woman. I'm still learning. I'm still coming to terms with seeing the world as a woman.
I find myself filtering the experiences I have during the day though the lens of being transgendered. Every new experience is something to be examined and analyzed. Does a woman really get home and tell her spouse, 'guess what I used the woman's room at work today'? Do her and her spouse have deep 3 hour talks over who orders dinner first at restaurants? Or, how to handle friends who don't know or don't agree with who we are as a couple. No, straight spouses don't do that, but M and I do. We have to or we'll quickly be pulled apart by external forces. I am not a woman with a wife. I'm still a transgendered woman with a wife.
So now what?
I wait. I wait for time to do her work and change how I see myself. It's not a matter of confidence. It's deeper then that. It's a matter of actually changing my view of my myself. To actually see myself and the world outside of me in much the same way women do.
Will time and E finish the job? Will they completely change my mental image to that of a woman's? I doubt it. As I said before I won't ever be a genetic woman. I don't have the past of one, I don't have the shared experiences most woman my age would have. I've never been a mom, I've never been some one's daughter or wife. No, the real question is how far will E and time take me. Far enough so these thoughts don't even matter anymore?
So now what?
So now I just wait, I wait for the thoughts to become less important. I wait for all the new experiences to pile up. I wait for Rick's old experiences to become less powerful then Dana's new ones.
So now what?
Now I wait for E keep doing her job. To change me mentally. M and I keep working on our new dynamic until it becomes us. Until it becomes our new normal. I use time to learn the ins and outs of running a business as a woman. I wait for K and all my FF friends to not see Rick anymore. To see their friend as Dana, and remember Rick as he was.
I wait for the time when I don't frame my experiences through the lens of being transgendered but through the lens of being a woman.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
It’s been a year now since I first went to the doctor to start this whole trip. I’ve been on E now for about 8 months. With that, I thought this would be a good time to just let you know where I’m at and where I’m likely to go.
First the big ones, I’m living as Dana now. I have been her for 3 or 4 months now. When I first started, this was my single biggest fear would I be able to pass as a woman and would I be able to live as Dana. I’m happy to say I pass most of the time, and I truly love being Dana. My worry now is not so much do I pass but more along the lines of do they know. I can blend into a crowd at the airport and not so much as get a single look. But as I interact with people when do they know? I struggle with the question, 'If someone knows but treats me as a woman with dignity and respect, does it matter if they know?'. I suppose the answer will come to me shortly or I'll give up caring sooner or later.
M is doing better. This is still hard but she makes progress every day. Every day she works at it. And some days she has big realizations about her life that make it easier. She’s had more troubles with her friends and co workers then I have. People feel freer to give her unsolicited advice then they do to me. I'd have to say most of the advice is hurtful and counter productive. People seem at a loss to understand she is going to stay with me. She's stronger then most people give her credit for and it surprises them.
M and I are both learning how to live with each other again. I make this sound like I left and came back and I suppose I did, Rick did leave and Dana did arrive. Now that it's Dana and not Rick there is a lot to relearn. Mostly little things, mostly how we interact with each other in public. As we introduce ourselves to others in public are we wives, friends, partners, or just something else. We're still trying to find the right vocabulary to explain who we are together. For years M would refer to me as 'my husband'. It was just who I was. But now, obviously, that doesn't work anymore. It's the same for me as well, she was 'my wife'. Even though she's still my wife, it seems awkward in public. I guess we're just not used to being two women together. It will come, I'm sure of it now.
The boys are doing well, so well there isn't much to say.
Work is going exceedingly well. Everyone treats me as a woman and works hard to see me as one too. I too am getting used to working as a woman. I've needed to learn how to lead my team as a woman leader rather then a man. It's easier as a man, you point the way and everyone goes in that direction. If you disagree with someone you argue over it, Rick was even said to have argued with others agreeing with him. Nothing is personal it's just business. Things are different now, I struggle with how to be the boss and be a woman. How to disagree without arguing. How to not take it all personally. I'm just now coming to terms with being a woman boss and leader. The lack of role models in my life make all of these things harder.
E has changed me. Physically, I'm smaller, and 'fairer' if that's a word. When I first started down this road my largest fear was would I be stuck in between a man and a woman. I had been cross dressing in public for years and I know I never passed as a woman. It was inconceivable to me a year ago I could go out in public as Dana without the entire world coming to a stop to stare. But E gave me just enough physical changes to blend in.
But more importantly, E changed me mentally. You read all the information about how E rewires your mind, you read about the changes to expect. You hope against hope for them. But I can't describe how different I've become.
A year ago you could blindfold me and put me in any airport in the country and I could drive from the rental car lot directly to the hotel with just a rental car map. Now I can't get out of the parking lot. Last year I could count the number of words I'd say in the day. Today I lose count before I've finished my morning coffee. Last year life was just so damn serious, now I laugh at the smallest things.
Life is easier now, the constant worry is gone. The constant struggle to be Dana and Rick at the same time is gone. As I've said in the past, it's as if Dana sees colors where Rick only saw grey. I am a 'happy' now that I didn't even know existed a year ago.
I grew up and went to school on the east coast. I lived in Boston for 5 years. Six months after moving here to the west coast I knew this was home and I could never go back. I've lived as Dana now for 3 months and I know I could never go back.
First the big ones, I’m living as Dana now. I have been her for 3 or 4 months now. When I first started, this was my single biggest fear would I be able to pass as a woman and would I be able to live as Dana. I’m happy to say I pass most of the time, and I truly love being Dana. My worry now is not so much do I pass but more along the lines of do they know. I can blend into a crowd at the airport and not so much as get a single look. But as I interact with people when do they know? I struggle with the question, 'If someone knows but treats me as a woman with dignity and respect, does it matter if they know?'. I suppose the answer will come to me shortly or I'll give up caring sooner or later.
M is doing better. This is still hard but she makes progress every day. Every day she works at it. And some days she has big realizations about her life that make it easier. She’s had more troubles with her friends and co workers then I have. People feel freer to give her unsolicited advice then they do to me. I'd have to say most of the advice is hurtful and counter productive. People seem at a loss to understand she is going to stay with me. She's stronger then most people give her credit for and it surprises them.
M and I are both learning how to live with each other again. I make this sound like I left and came back and I suppose I did, Rick did leave and Dana did arrive. Now that it's Dana and not Rick there is a lot to relearn. Mostly little things, mostly how we interact with each other in public. As we introduce ourselves to others in public are we wives, friends, partners, or just something else. We're still trying to find the right vocabulary to explain who we are together. For years M would refer to me as 'my husband'. It was just who I was. But now, obviously, that doesn't work anymore. It's the same for me as well, she was 'my wife'. Even though she's still my wife, it seems awkward in public. I guess we're just not used to being two women together. It will come, I'm sure of it now.
The boys are doing well, so well there isn't much to say.
Work is going exceedingly well. Everyone treats me as a woman and works hard to see me as one too. I too am getting used to working as a woman. I've needed to learn how to lead my team as a woman leader rather then a man. It's easier as a man, you point the way and everyone goes in that direction. If you disagree with someone you argue over it, Rick was even said to have argued with others agreeing with him. Nothing is personal it's just business. Things are different now, I struggle with how to be the boss and be a woman. How to disagree without arguing. How to not take it all personally. I'm just now coming to terms with being a woman boss and leader. The lack of role models in my life make all of these things harder.
E has changed me. Physically, I'm smaller, and 'fairer' if that's a word. When I first started down this road my largest fear was would I be stuck in between a man and a woman. I had been cross dressing in public for years and I know I never passed as a woman. It was inconceivable to me a year ago I could go out in public as Dana without the entire world coming to a stop to stare. But E gave me just enough physical changes to blend in.
But more importantly, E changed me mentally. You read all the information about how E rewires your mind, you read about the changes to expect. You hope against hope for them. But I can't describe how different I've become.
A year ago you could blindfold me and put me in any airport in the country and I could drive from the rental car lot directly to the hotel with just a rental car map. Now I can't get out of the parking lot. Last year I could count the number of words I'd say in the day. Today I lose count before I've finished my morning coffee. Last year life was just so damn serious, now I laugh at the smallest things.
Life is easier now, the constant worry is gone. The constant struggle to be Dana and Rick at the same time is gone. As I've said in the past, it's as if Dana sees colors where Rick only saw grey. I am a 'happy' now that I didn't even know existed a year ago.
I grew up and went to school on the east coast. I lived in Boston for 5 years. Six months after moving here to the west coast I knew this was home and I could never go back. I've lived as Dana now for 3 months and I know I could never go back.
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