Since this is a journal of my path through this transition, I thought I'd give a quick update of my journey so far.

Where I'm at now :

First and foremost I'm no longer worried about where this will all lead to.  I have a pretty good idea where the path goes from here and I'm excited to get there now. 

M and I are happy, very happy.  She's retired now and spends her time chasing me throughout the country as I go about my travels. 

Work is good, busier then ever.  Everyone I work with has accepted me and supports me where ever I go.  It was just a year ago I'd worry about how every new city would react to me.  But now I hardly even broach the subject.  My transition is certainly not a secret and I still get the occasional question but it's with respect and with an open mind. 

Everyone, but one, in my life has been told and just about everyone has been OK with it all.  The only person I have not told is my little brother.  I've pushed this off because he lives across the country from me and has some very strict religious views that I'm worried would prevent him from understanding.

I pass reasonably well. I'm sure people can figure it out if they try.  But, for the most part no one is looking so no one sees anything out of place.  I'm ma'am every where I go and I haven't heard a 'Sir' or a 'Rick' in forever now.  Friends and coworkers still slip up and miss a pronoun or two every once in awhile but it's not done maliciously so we just let it go.  They know it slip, and I know it's just a slip, so why make a big deal about it.  

My transition itself is still in progress, E has done wonders to my mind and my body.  But as work has taken me all over the country over the last six months, my laser treatments have not kept up.  I need to get that back on track.  I still need to get my trachea shave scheduled, and I need to find the time to start working on the big one.  Yup, that big one.

Where I was :

I still look back on my transition and I'm astonished on how little I've lost.  So many others in our community have lost so much, yet I have lost so little.  A friend, maybe two, has drifted away, but the ones that stayed are closer then before.  Our family is intact and stronger then ever.

Before the E, every morning was hard.  How do I get out of bed and face the day?   I haven't struggled with that since I started taking E.  My mood swings are back to normal, and M seems very happy about this.  The everyday gloom of my life before E is completely gone.  I'm starting to have a hard time remembering that load and the burden the struggles added to my life.

I was so worried about where this transition would take me and who and what I would become, and now those worries seem so distant and without cause.

Where I'm going :

I'm moving forward slowly but with direction.  The drive that pushed me my entire life to do more, and live more as Dana has suddenly come to a halt.

Before E, I would continually push the envelope of what Dana could do.  I'd push M to her breaking point, push the limits of society and those around me to and past acceptable.  Always taking what I was given and then asking for more.

But now that drive has stopped.  For the first time in my life as I look around and see where I'm at, see how the world sees me, feel how I'm treated, and see how I treat myself, I am happy.

... Dana's a her, not a him. She's your new sister!

It took a year but I finally told my brother.  I've been working in Denver now for the last few months and as luck would have it he happens to live here.  I've managed to avoid telling him the news up until now.  I had plans on telling him when I first started working in Denver, but it was right at Xmas time and M didn't want to add that kind of stress to the holidays so I let it drop.  Then work got crazy and the days got long and I just didn't do it.

That is until M posted on facebook that's she's off to Denver to see her 'sweetie'.  As I read it on her facebook page I thought that maybe my brother doesn't really keep up with facebook and won't see it.  Nope, I was wrong, an hour later he commented that we should drop by for dinner while we're in Denver.

So now the gig is up and I'm going to have to explain this one.  Up until now I've told family and close friends in person.  I'm not a big fan of hiding behind an email or a phone call for this kinda of news.  It just seems that news this big should be delivered in person.  But this time around I really had no choice.  It's been so long since I've been Rick I just couldn't go back, and just showing up as Dana would be a little bit of a shock to say the least.  K volunteered to just go knock on his door and tell him.  But I not sure how that conversation would go...

'Hi, I'm K.  I work with your sister Dana and I just wanted to let you know she has some big news.  .... Of course you have a sister, Oh wait, you know her as your brother Rick. ....  Me, I told you, I'm K, Dana's best friend.  I'm just out here visiting her, him to you, and I thought I'd drop by and tell you he's 'her' now.  Congrats by the way, you're the first born son now.  .... No, I just told you Rick is Dana and Dana's a her, not a him. She's your new sister!  .... No, you don't have an older brother anymore I just told you that.'

Well you get the idea, it's just something you have to do on your own.  And, actually it went well.  It had been awhile since I've had to tell anyone so my delivery was a bit rusty but I remembered all the key points. 

We had dinner with his whole family a few days later and that was nice.  He has four girls ranging from 10 to 18 and he was good enough to introduce Dana to his whole family without hesitating.  M spent some time with them before I got a chance to head out to visit, and they said that helped a lot.  She was able to answer some very personal questions in a safe environment and they got a chance to read her blog.  I've found people consistently take their cues from her.  If she's happy and relaxed about all of this then they relax.  If she is open and honest, they feel comfortable asking questions and spend the time to become comfortable with me.

So in the end, one of my two brothers know now and he's OK with it.  Shocked, a little off balance, and not sure of the new rules, but OK.  He's shared the news with his family and we've spent some time with them. 

One more brother to go, and then that's it, everyone will be in the know.  I've saved the hardest for last I'm afraid.

Why does she stay?

A blog post caught my eye the other day.  More or less the author asked why some women stay and some women leave when their partners transition.  And as I can’t speak for other couples I’ll try and speak for us.  So why does M choose to stay?  She married a man, she married Rick, and now I am neither.  I’m Dana and while I may not be a woman in the classical definition, I am most definitely not a man anymore.  This is reason enough for her to go.  But she doesn’t. 

The roles in our marriage are fluid at best and become confused in many situations.  She handles these situations with grace and humor, and she stays.  My personality is still changing and the person she sleeps next to is different every month.  Yet, she still stays.  She has to explain to countless people,  including her family, my family, friends, and coworkers that she’s married to a woman now.  She has to answer questions never asked of others.  Yet, she does this with patience and pride.  She never complains and she keeps moving forward.  And she stays.

We have a good life.  We have two great kids, we have a lifetime of memories, and we still enjoy each other.  She makes me happy, and I strive to make her happy. We still laugh with each other and sometimes we cry with each other.  But other couples in this same situation have these same attributes in their marriage and yet they break apart.  But she stays.

M has made me happy every day for the last 30 years.  And still makes me happy every day.  But, beyond that happiness she has chosen to give me the gift of a lifetime.  In one year’s time she has taken away the piece deep inside of me that has caused grief and confusion my entire life.  She looked at me and said ‘I want you to be happy’.  She knew what that meant; she knew the sacrifices she’d be making. Neither of us knew what lied ahead but each of us knew it was big, life changing, and a one way trip.  Why?  Why would she offer this to me?  Why would she give this gift to me, at such a high cost to herself?

I’ve also been good to her.  She’s the most important thing in my life and I still worry each day I’m not doing enough to keep her happy.  I’m not talking about the happy that money buys, not the cars, or the house, or the travel.  I’m talking about the happy of a smile, a thought, a touch, the gift of attention  I am there when the world looks dark and bleak, I am there with a touch, a hug, an ear.  I’m her best friend always, every day, no exceptions. 

But that is not why she stays while others go.

She knew of my struggles years ago.  She has lived with them almost as long as I have.  She knows the pain and confusion the struggles bring to both her and to me.  She never signed up for this, but neither did I, I would not wish this type of pain on my worst enemy.  She has worked hard over the years to learn how to live with them, as did I.  In many ways she progressed down this path side by side with me.  There were times when she did not understand, or couldn’t cope.  And, there were times when I did not understand the pain I was causing her and I couldn’t cope.  But we both worked through those times, we worked through them together.

We worked hard to be happy together, but that is not why she stays and others go.

I wondered if I had told her of my struggles late in life, and surprised her with all of this.  If after 30 years of this I had said I was unhappy and had been my entire life, would she be able to handle it.  Would she have left then?  She says ‘no’ she would not have been able to handle it, but she would have stayed.  Why?

Even though I knew the answer already, I asked her today why she stays.  Why live this life with me, why share this pain, why embrace the world together? 

She just said ‘because I love you’.

As I do her.

At what price happiness

I've lived with these struggles for almost 50 years now, and except for the last two I've hid them from everyone.  I've hid them from the world, from my friends, from my family, from co-workers and customers.   I hid these struggles from everyone because of fear.  Fear of losing my income, fear of losing friends, fear of losing my family.  Fear of not being able to face the world.  It's only the last two years that I've faced that fear and exposed myself to the outside world.  Over the last two years I've slowly taken the facade down. Everyday I show more of me to the world.  I'm finally there.  I'm finally where who I am matches what people see.

But at what price do I hide myself again.  At what price do I retreat and hide.  Would I return to the shell if my family could not cope with the struggles.  If I lost my job?   What if my friends slowly moved away?   At what point are my employees future worth more then the sunshine of being me. 

I've worked hard the last few months building something I'm actually quite proud of.  It's taken everything I've had to finish it.  I've pushed my employees and co-workers harder then I ever had before.  I've pushed up to and past the breaking point for some, myself included. I've let friendships and family take a back seat to finishing this job.  I've worked through every weekend, missed seeing the sun for weeks at a time.  I've built this.  Yes, others have helped.  Yes, they have worked hard and they are tired too.  But at the end of the day it's my project.  It's my hard work, my vision, my drive that has made this happen.

It's time to unwrap the project and show the world what we have built.  The whole team should be and is proud of what they have built these last few months.  Yet, I've made the tactical decision to not be there.   I'm aware that not everyone is tolerant of who I am,  not everyone will be able to look past me to see my work.  I'm aware that my presence hurts the chances of success.

I've decide to hid from the world on this.  I've decided that the value of my co workers pride is worth more.  I've decided that the everyone's financial success is worth more.  I've decided that the chance of an early retirement, however small, is worth more. 

But worth more then what?  What price am I paying for this decision.  One week away, I'll be in some other city and 'in hiding' for a single week.  How small is that price?  I'll trade a week on the beach for the success of my team, my project, and my finances. It's hard, if not impossible, to argue with the logic of this decision.

But then why does it hurt so badly.

Is my ego so large that I can't skip the spotlight for one lousy week.  Can I not swallow my pride just this once for the good of everyone and everything.  

It's retreating into the shell again.  I'll still be Dana, I'll still feel the sunshine on my face.  But there is no mistaking the fact that I'm am hiding the truth of who I am.  Fear is what is driving me back into this shell.  The fear of failure, the fear of not seeing the project succeed.  But mostly the fear of looking into a strangers eye and knowing they can't understand.  That fear of seeing the moment they 'get it'.  The fear of what follows that moment.

People tell me how brave I am to do this, to come out to the world and be myself.  How brave I am to face this head on.  But i'm not brave, not even in the least.  I'm on this path only because it's easier then any other. When faced with the choice of standing tall and accepting what ever comes or retreating back into that shell to protect myself from that fear,  I still choose to hide.   That is not courage.

In a few days I will get on that plane and head east.  I'll know why.

It just hurts.

Working and Leading as a Woman

I've talked a little in some past posts about my job.  One of the more important parts of my job is just leading.   Leading is a made up of two critical parts.  First, you need the knowledge and experience to make more right decisions then wrong.  Enough knowledge about the team's functions to gain everyone's natural respect.  Second you need a sense of confidence to make decisions and stick to them.  To focus the group and maintain the teams steady and direct forward progress to the goal at hand.

Nothing in my transition has changed my knowledge or experience set in any way.  I still know just as much as last year.  I have one more year of experience then I had last year.  There is no doubt in anyone's mind that I have the knowledge and experience to do what needs to be done. 

But the confidence of last year has slipped away.  I'm no longer rock sure of my decisions.  I worry about the consequences of each movement,  I allow myself to be talked into and out of ideas.

I lead two teams right now, the first are my employees.  They rely on me for their paychecks.  They rely on me for direction and instructions.  In this team my leadership skills have not been affected.  But this team is a group of women who have been with me for a long time.  There is no questioning of my decisions, there's no hidden agenda.  Decisions here are mine and mine alone.

I lead a second team too,  this team is a group of men whose main job is to deploy the software the first team has developed.  This team is more difficult to lead.  First they are not my employees, then for the most part they have only been with me a few months.  There are hidden agendas here, most of the men in this group are striving for job titles and responsibility.   My decisions and input in this group are questioned and ignored.  It's in this arena that I've struggled this year. 

I took most of the month of October off.  This time off allowed me to review my work and accomplishments of the previous year.  And I was force to admit to myself that my leadership skills in the second team had evaporated.  I had some how relinquished my leadership role in this team to others who were looking to take it.  This happened in several areas.  Big things like not forcing my ideas and thoughts to happen, and questioning my own ability to make the right decision.  Not keeping focus in the team to accomplishing the task at hand.  But little things too, letting others drive me, handling my bags for me, or even picking out a wine for dinner.  Even talking about my transition hurt my abilities to lead this group.

The common thread here is 'me'.  I allowed this to happen.  Sure the men in the group took advantage of all of the E in my system.  Sure they stole my ideas, or just ignored them.  Sometimes even convincing others in the group that their ideas where better and that I wasn't capable of making the right decisions to insure success.  But I ALLOWED all of this to happen.

This lack of leadership on my part resulted in a failure of our task.  My lack of leadership had cost this project any chance of success.  I allowed the entire team to deviate from the path I knew lead to success.  I allowed others with less experience and less knowledge to make decisions and determine direction.

Since my vacation I've spent the time trying to regain control of this second group, trying to lead them out of the hole I allowed them to dig for themselves.  In that time I have noticed a difference in how the men of the team react to a woman's leadership role.  I've seen managers out and out present my ideas and proposals as their own.  I've seen them even take these ideas as their own in meetings where I just proposed them, as if no one there heard me say it in the first place.  I've seen the workers go to less knowledgeable people to find answers to questions only me or my staff would know. 

Curiously even when I have control of the situation or if we a debating a point, the men of the group consistently and constantly fall back into male pronouns and names.  It's as if they refuse to debate or be lead by a woman.  It's a strange pattern that has run through out the last few weeks.   I'm not sure any of them have ever worked for or reported to a female authority, and they simply are not used to being lead or debating points with female pronouns.  It is rare that I'll correct pronoun usage around me.  I figure everyone there is treating me personally with the utmost respect and everyone is trying hard to accept Dana.  But in this case as the wrong pronouns are used in debates and leadership roles I may have to start correcting them.  In the heat of a debate, or the middle of status meetings, it's 'maam' not 'sir', it's 'she' not 'he'.  Female military officers don't put up with it and I'm not going to either.

The surprising thing here is not that the men of the group tried to take leadership roles and advance their ideas.  After all that's what people in our positions do.  We are all paid to have ideas, push for solutions and we all have our egos to deal with. 

The surprising thing is that I allowed this to happen through my inaction.  The difference between leading as a man and leading as a woman is for me, within.  Yes, men want to lead and succeed.  Yes they use strategies and tactics I find offensive.  But they use these same tactics against other men.  They used these same tactics against Rick in the past too.  As a man I was given the gift of confidence, confidence I used to achieve success in this life.  But now as a woman I find it's all gone.  I need to keep telling myself over and over again I'm right, my ideas are strong and correct.  Over and over again each day I have to resist the urge to make sure no one is upset about my strength.  Rick would just say get this done without a care if someones feelings were hurt, now I find myself explaining why I want it done so that I don't hurt any ones feelings. As Rick I neither needed or wanted praise for my decisions.  As Dana I crave a review of my thoughts and decisions.  I find the praise is needed to keep me on this path.  BUT, I must learn to live without it.  My leadership role requires me to be able to critique myself , either good or bad, without any outside review.

I've written this post over the course of the last few days.  Sometimes late at night in the quiet of my hotel room, sometimes alone at breakfast an hour before everyone else arrives.  I wrote this as a private post more to vent and clarify my thoughts then to publish on this blog.. But I've decided to publish an edited version of it.  For two reasons, the first is selfish.  This is my journal of my transition.  And that includes the transition from a man who leads, to a woman who leads.  This is an important step in my transition.  It needs to be a part of my journal.  This post was written in the quiet of the night with my thoughts clear and still.  In the near future I will need to reread this to understand the feelings I'll have during the turbulence of the day. 

But more importantly, I posted this for others that will go down this same path behind me.  As I read the blogs and search the Internet, there is a lot of talk on how unfair it is to be a woman.  How men treat women in leadership roles.  But there is little self analysis on our part of the leadership dynamic.  No one said life is fair, men are filled with T and that T gives them strength, egos and confidence, even if it is not well deserved or even earned.  Women are filled with E and we are gifted with empathy.  But confidence and strength are a large part of leadership roles, and like it or not empathy is a much smaller part of leading a team. 

Before I even started this last trip H told me I'd have to work 10 times harder, that I have to be 10 times better then the men in order regain control. 

This is only partially true.  Yes I have to be better then before because the men in our group will not just give me respect, I'll have to earn it.  Rick could walk into a room and be the one in minutes.  But Dana has to prove herself and prove that her knowledge and experience is greater then anyone else's in the room.  Yes, I have to be the first up and the last one to leave.  Yes, I have to know the answer to every question.  But also I have to increase my self confidence ten fold.  I have to continuous tell myself 'confidence'.  I have to work ten times harder on the leadership parts that come after the decision is made.  To stick with my direction, enforce the decisions on others who drift, and not ask for or need approval for decisions that are mine to make. I have to work ten times harder on HOW I lead, not on leading ten times harder. 

It is a subtle distinction but a critically important one.


Some incomplete thoughts from my private post :

... H is my de facto boss.  He is the one I report to.  He is the one I'm tasked by.  I am a colonel in his army.  He  points to a place on the road map and says take me there.  That's it.  He doesn't tell me how or manage me or provide daily feedback.  The only review I get from him is pass/fail at the end of each project.  We've been together for a long time and I've been able to delivery many more passes then fails.  I've earned his respect and he trusts me.  Nothing in this transition has changed in that regard.  He treats me exactly the same now as a year ago.  (H if you are reading this Thank You.) ...

... Using words I detest, I, Me, Mine even Thank You Everyone.  We are a team, we work as a group, each more then capable at what we do.  Each needing little more then a direction and support.  In team contexts leaders use words like Us, We, Ours, and laugh at dinner, leaders allow others to express their opinions with force.  As a leader the credit is for everyone to share, and the failures are mine and mine alone. ...

... I will no longer tolerate the wrong pronoun in leadership roles or debates.  This is a crutch they use to relieve themselves of being lead or corrected by a female...

...  J and I head off to the woman's room ... In the privacy of the woman's restroom we compare notes, and it doesn't take long before we are both venting not only about the meeting but about the entire week.  A week of conflict and hidden agendas.  A week of being dismissed.  A week of struggle over control of the group.  ...

Back when I first started down this path I mostly worried about the physical changes E would bring to me and the effects it would have on my relationships with the people in my life. I read all the blogs, I read the research and the papers from the doctors and I had a good idea of what would happen.

The physical changes, I had a general idea of what would happen to my appearances. These changes were the exciting part. These were the changes I looked forward to, the ones that couldn't happen fast enough. My only worry about these changes was getting stuck in the middle. Stuck somewhere between woman and man. Even today, these changes are still happening and even now not fast enough. In this regard the Internet was right, the changes they said would happen did, and the ones they said would not haven't.

The body changes too, I'm not talking about the outside changes, I'm referring more to how my body actually works. I was prepared for these changes too. I knew the sex drive would decrease. This was originally one of my largest concerns. Indeed it has decreased, dramatically I might add, but It's not gone and I actually don't miss it. But there were small changes that I was unprepared for too. My strength has dropped dramatically. It still surprises me how much more a gallon of milk weighs now then it did a year ago. My tastes have changed too, foods I used to love are no longer that great. Foods I'd tolerate before are now my favorite. As M would laugh at, I actually look forward to a Greek salad now. The Internet was mostly right about these changes. Most everything that the Internet said would change did, but it seems my body threw in a couple extra that I didn't see coming.

But it turns out the mental changes ended up being the most important. And the Internet did a poor job of preparing me for these. It been said that E makes you think as a woman. And, man does it. I was prepared for a little, the crying and the moodiness, but these are just side effects of the brain working as a woman's. I see the world differently now. I have different cares and worries. I've lost the aggression and the ego. But I've lost my confidence, too. But all of that has been replaced with compassion and an empathy I didn't have before.

In the end it's the mental changes that make you a woman. Sure the physical changes are important, they allow the outside world to see you as a woman. But, it's the internal changes to your brain that actually make you a woman. I suppose when I started on this path if you had told me my body would change 45 degrees, but your mental state would change 180, I would have been disappointed. At the time I believed it would be the physical changes that mattered. But I would have been wrong. It's the mental changes that matter, it's how my mind wonders down the path of life and how it processes the world that make me a woman.

As a side note, M's blog was on the front page of t-central last week. She has a big heart and an unique voice for our community that she's decided to share with us all. I encourage everyone to read her blog and experience her world as only M can describe it.

When you read her writings you'll understand why she's the love of my life and my best friend.

Life is good, and the days are too short

It’s Friday morning and I’m having coffee with my FF friends at Starbucks for the first time in a few weeks.  I’ve been traveling a lot lately, both work wise and to enjoy a nice vacation. So, this is the first gossip hour lunch I’ve had in a while.  As always we talk about the usual stuff, kids, TV, clothes, just everyday things.  Towards the end of the hour one of my friends asked how M and I are doing.  Normally this is just a throw away line and you’d just answer fine and move on, but I know she means ‘how is M doing with my transition’.  I tell them M is doing great and that the vacation was just what we needed.  That it was the first time in the transition that we were really taken by everyone as just two women who happen to be a couple.  That it was nice to have a glimpse of our future and that no one so much as looked at me twice.  I told her that no one on our cruise ever thought I used to be a man.  So she tells me that I seem to be blending in to everyday life, that no one in the store has looked at me funny and that she doesn’t think anyone even suspects.

Needless to say I was thrilled to hear that.  A little later on I was thinking about that and then it occurred to me, I didn’t notice.  I was sitting there at Starbucks surrounded by housewives laughing and giggling for over an hour and I never once looked around the store to see if anyone read me.  And it’s not the first time.  More and more I don’t seem to care. 

I’m not sure ‘care’ is the right word.  It’s not that I don’t care; it’s more that it’s become a needless chore.  It’s only been a few months now but people just don’t see it. It's like why bother.  I suppose I mean my brain has grown tired of scanning rooms and faces for that telltale giggle or double take.  If no one is noticing, why spend all the effort to look for it? 

And if I back up and look at the bigger picture, I can see it happening with everyday life too.  More and more I’ll do some simple thing, some mundane thing thousands of women do every day, and afterwards I’ll look back and think oh my God, I’m a woman.

For years now, getting through the day meant analyzing every move, and every thought, to filter it through a man’s filter.  To make sure I lived as a man would, acted as a man would, and talked as a man would.  I don’t think I ever realized how much effort it took from me, how much effort it drained away. 

But now, just a few months into full time that effort is gone.  More and more I just walk through my day.  I spend less and less time everyday making sure I’m doing the right thing, saying the right thing, walking the right way.  My filter is gone now, and I just do what I need to do. 

I've said before how much happier I am now,  how I'm happier now then I ever knew I could be.  Life is also just easier now.  I'm not talking about work, or M, or the kids, or any of the things you work at throughout the day.  Sure I have bad days at work.  I still have thousands of things that need to be done yesterday.  But I'm not working as hard just to get through the day.  'Being' is easier now.

H was asking about me a few days ago.  He just wanted to know how I'm doing and if I was still OK.  A curious thought popped in my head.  I'm actually looking forward to the rest of my life.  I go to sleep excited about tomorrow and I just want it to hurry up and get here so I can do another day as Dana. 

Life is good.  I'm happy.  I have my bad days, and there is still a long path ahead of me, but the days are too short and I'm excited about doing it all over again tomorrow.